Another regular night, as usual.
After a short walk, or rather, a random round of mall-hopping, I finally made it back to my room at around 10 p.m. I spent another hour doing one thing and another before I finally checked my laptop to take a quick look at tomorrow’s plan.
Then, I found myself doing something I don’t often do. I suddenly opened my Notes history and started looking through some unfinished blog drafts. There wasn’t much. Some had been sitting there for a month, while others had stayed untouched for years. I couldn’t even tell anymore.
Then one draft caught my attention. It was almost as if it were calling me to open it, without begging me to finish it.
Yet, no. I read it, and suddenly, I felt the urge to refine it, to eventually publish it.
So, what kind of writing was that?
Apparently, it was something I wrote a few weeks ago, back when I felt like something was really getting to me. It was deep enough that I decided to write a note as a coping mechanism, a way to regulate my emotions. I remember the feelings. The complicated rage. The anger, the disappointment, the feeling of being overlooked, all at once.
Reading it now, I could still feel how hard I had been trying to keep myself under control. Even my body seemed to remember it: every breath, every heartbeat, every little tension I must have carried in that moment. Perhaps that’s how the brain remembers pain, with the amygdala holding on to memories linked to strong emotions.
Looking back at that note, I could also see how magical it is when you find a way to regulate your emotions that actually works. Even though it doesn’t always work, when it does, there’s something deeply satisfying about knowing I found a way through it.
Here it is, just as it began:
"
It’s Friday again. It’s Saturday, Sunday, what?
Perhaps that line from the song is what keeps me sane and smiling as I write this. Not to mention the cup of Coffee Crack I just ordered online. A little butterfly hug, with some affirmations thrown in, too. Yeah, quite the combination to get my mood back on track.
To be honest, I started writing this as a way to regulate my emotions. Yet, as I type one word after another, I begin to forget what I was feeling in the first place.
Every time I pause, it isn’t because I’m trying to find the right words. It’s because my mind suddenly goes blank. I just… how do I put this? It’s as if all the tangled thoughts inside my head quietly disappear.
In such a short time, I feel at ease. I’m surprisingly happy that this Friday is ending on such a pleasant note.
Then my mind drifts back to the beginning of the day.
It wasn’t a perfect morning, but it was beautiful enough, simply because I decided to wear something a little out of the ordinary.
“You should take a mirror outfit check!”
A part of me calls out.
The flashback ends there.
Her voice is so gentle that I leave my work table, walk straight to the restroom, and look at myself in the mirror.
I spin around and let my long skirt flow. Somehow, the light blue feels permissible like this.
“You look beautiful today!” she says.
I nod. I have no words to deny what I just heard.
For a moment, I don’t know why, but my eyes grow teary. I stare intently at the reflection of my whole body in the mirror.
“It’s okay, you do good today!”
The gentle voice changes into softer voices, trying to console me.
I come back to my desk, look at my laptop again, and continue my work.
"
And that’s how this note ended up as a draft.
It’s short, but it says quite a lot about how emotional regulation can begin with the simplest things: a song you choose to play, a coffee you like, or an outfit you decide to wear.
And maybe that’s why I wanted to finish this note now: to remind myself that sometimes, getting yourself back doesn’t require anything grand.
Warm regard,
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