A Story

When you’re going to write something, but you don’t even know how to start it, just write it! In the end, that’s your story! - Anonymous 

Part I : I’m just getting started

“I am not concerned that you have fallen -- I am concerned that you arise.” - Abraham Lincoln.

Today, at the early morning, i planned to write some words in my blog. Really, there were so many words came out from my mind and i didn’t know what had happened to me so that i really want to write something without knowing the reason. Actually, my mind kept whispering “Just write!”, then yelling “Come on! Just write it now!” over and over. In other side, i just watched my laptop, listened to the music and pretended there were nothing in my mind, heuheuheu -__-    

An hour has passed, I faced the time with these kind of mood, looked around and tried to find the answer for many times. I really didn’t know what to do, should i write? But i wasn’t in a good mood to write and i didn’t want to write about those matters, about failures and the past. Why? It didn’t mean i was afraid of talking about the past, it also didn’t mean i had no interesting things if i thought about the past. Right! I had so many memories, of course! There were happiness, sadness, disappointment, and they mixed up to be one, made a great story if i looked back to the past. Right! I smiled a lot, I cried a lot, I played a lot, and i dreamed a lot... because I was just an ordinary girl. I just didn’t know how to start, i didn’t know how to tell you about failures in a good way. 

Failure?  They said that failure was a lesson to rise, a lesson to start all over again and all of inspirational people in this world have experienced failure in their life. They succeed because they had a lot of spirit to stand up again, because they had so many reasons to start again and again. I remembered my friend’s words “You have to fall before you stand.” Actually, she also has experienced failure for many times, and I never saw her tears. Once, she told me to hold my tears, even if it was hurt, just hold it! Hold it! Arghhh!!!

“Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It’s ok to fail. If you’re not failing, you’re not growing.” - H. Stanley Judd

Here I am! I’ve spent about an hour just to control my mood (actually, it’s not that long, i just need 15 minutes, hahaha :D) Now... I am going to follow my mind, i am going to write something, and i am not afraid of getting judge by my words (ohyaa? Hahaha :D)

I ask Allah to give me a Yellow Jacket, and He gives me another one!

Allah knows the best for me, that’s why i’m trying to believe in all of things He has given to me. But, to tell you the truth... I’m still seeking His reason why He places me in this kind of situation. Yap, still seeking! Still seeking while doing my best, and believing that I’ll find the reason soon.

Don’t you know? The feeling when you didn’t get what you really want, the feeling when you needed someone to be blamed and you found no one there, the feeling when you felt so sorry for yourself, the feeling when you wanted to escape from all of this painful destiny.  I know those feelings and I know what others do after they felt those kind of feelings, because I also did that. At that time, I was questioning God, “Is He really listening to my prayer? Is He really watching my tears?” and blammed myself for this failure. Then I was comparing myself to others, why didn’t God answer my prayer? Did He forget to anwer my prayer? He even answered my friend’s prayer.

I know it! They have done their best and God has guided them to a place where they should belong. They were hard worker type, they studied very hard and prayed to God most every night. Of course, I really want to say “Ohh, I envy you,” but i can’t, i just... couldn’t do that! I wonder what God has planned to me so that He places me in this kind of situation. I always say to my self that I’m brave enough to go through this situation and I’m strong enough to handle this kind of feeling, because I’ve threw them away to a place where i couldn’t find them again someday.

What about me?

I’ve done everything, I’ve studied so hard, I’ve prayed every time, but why?

I’m trying to find the reason, but i find nothing. I’m looking back to the past, is there so many mistakes I’ve done? No, my mistakes in the past isn’t the only reason of this situation, because people often did a mistake in the past, right?  Is this a Karma?  Arghhh, the more i try to find the reason, the more i get into a trouble, heuheu -__-   

My friends always said, “Believe me, Allah knows the best for you, this is the best!” and “Don’t worry, just do your best! Allah loves you, that’s why He gives you this way, He wants you to be the best there, He always watches you, guides you, gives you so many reasons to life.” Again, and again, they give me more strength to stand up with those words, they try to tell me about one thing... “No matter what, be yourself!” Again, at that day... my father who basically didn’t talk too much... sat down beside me, tried to comfort me with his words wisely and gave me some lights in those darkest times. He said, “You have to belive in yourself first! At that time, you told me that you wanted to try again... and i agreed it, because i knew you’ve found your passion and i believed it. And now, just because you don’t get want you really want, you look desperate, you look like people who lose their way and you are controlled by your failure. Believe me, this is the best! God has given His best way for you, and you have to do your best there! Listen... as long as you believe in God, He will always lead you to reach your dreams, gives a light to make you stay on the path you’ve chosen. Once again, stop comparing yourself to others, this is the best.”

That’s it! Many good words have came to me one by one, they seemed to be a powerful weapon, a meaningful reason for me to wake up and they asked me to open my eyes. “Look! There’re many people in this world who really want to be just like you, you have to be strong, remember your days in the past... you’re awesome! God has great plans for you, because He wants you to be the best there, He wants you to show the real-side of you there!” They said those words for many times in my mind. I think... they were true, i got my strength day by day and my eyes has completely opened now!    

      

And now, when i go back to that time, i feel like... ooo God really loves me. That’s why, i’m surrounded by good people :) God really loves me, because... even in my darkest days, He still gives His light for me :) This is the best for me, i believe it! I have to work hard here, do my best and show them who am i :) I’ve experienced failure and i dont wanna experience it again :) 

Hii gaisss, i’m just getting started! Bismillah, keep Hamasah! :)

Part II : I just wake up!

Hi there! I’m back with another story, hehehe :D No no no! It’s different from the story i’ve told you before. Actually, I only have one story, but it’s too long to be called as a story, because there are so many accidents, emotions and events that got involved in this story. Of course, it will be great if i could write all of my stories here and tell you from the very first part ‘till the end. Unfortunately, i just wanna tell you the most crucial part and the part where this story begin.

The story begin when i was in the second year of Senior High School. At that time, i was too young and didn’t know how to get started in a relationship.

Actually, I’m afraid of boys and I’d like to give some spaces between myself and them if there are no topic to discuss or talk about. Why do you give some spaces to them? It doesn’t mean I hate all of boys. It also doesn’t mean i have allergic or problem if i stand close to them. I just don’t know how to act if i was there, stand around the boys and start the conversation with them. I’m too sensitive and there are too many negative points in my head when i want to start the conversation, such as “what if i talk about something weird?” “what if they don’t like the conversation?” “what if they don’t reply my words?” and many more.

I’d like to talk to them if i have something to discuss. Really, I’m fine enough... to sit beside the boys and share the same desk with them. Really, I’m brave enough... to give them some instructions and tell them about my opinion or my point of view. Yes of course, I’m good enough if it comes to do a teamwork with the boys. As I said before, i didn’t have any problems with the boys as long as there was a reason for my step to get closer to them.

I’m not a girl who don’t know how to communicate or create a good atmosphere when i was in a group of society. Yap... up till now, I think I don’t have any problems with the socialiszation process and I never have a really difficult time during my school day. Still, I’m an ordinary girl :) I have a sense of humor, i have many dreams and i need people around me to make me stronger.

The most crucial part!

I fall in love with someone. Actually, he’s the one who gave me the most MEMORABLE STARE and looked at me with his lovable eyes  at the first time we met #EHEHE :D I also remember the first words that come out from my mouth when we work together as a team. I remember all the thing that make me fall for him more and more, he’s just like a poison, really!

Many days have passed, this feeling seemed to grow up rapidly and brought colors into my heart. I didn’t know the reason, yap... because i never felt in love with someone for a long time and I never felt this way before. Okay, I ever felt in love with someone, but it was just a month and it never grew up more. Clap! Clap! Clap! As I said before... this one is just like a poison and i can’t escape from this painfull destiny. I even did’t have any intentions of showing my love to him. Clap! Clap! Clap! 

I was tired. I decided to hide this feeling somewhere and kept it alone. I just thought that someday this feeling will fade away and completely leave my heart.

I was tired. I watched his back everyday, turned into his shadow and still never got closer to him. I was tired but i was happy. I was tired but i enjoyed this activity. I was tired and never thought about giving up on this feeling. Yaa, i was just tired.     

One day, i wanted to throw away this feeling to a place where i couldn’t find it later. I wanted to make my heart free. I wanted to heal my heart soon. Why did i do this? Yess, because I faced the reality. They said that reality always looked at people with his eyes closed, because he was heartless and he was crueler than a criminal. I forced myself to wake up! I forced myself to meet the reality!

Because the reality said that...

HE DIDN’T LOVE YOU! HE LOVED ANOTHER GIRL AND SHE WAS BETTER THAN YOU! YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANY RIGHTS TO STARE AT HIM EVERYDAY AND WISH THAT HE WOULD GIVE HIS HEART TO YOU! WAKE UP PLEASE! WAKE UP PLEASE!

What do you do now?

I’m writing this story while tears keep on falling from my eyes #ALAY detected -___- sumimasen, gaisss! I just wanna put some emotions, hahaha :D# I know this day will come. The day when i have to let him go with another girl. The day when i have to say nothing but wish the best for his relationship. The day when i have to leave him. It is hurt, really! I never felt this hurt and i never wish for this hurt. That’s right! I don’t know the truth and i still don’t hear the answer from these questions, “is it true that he has a girlfriend?” “Who is she?” and “Is he really prettier than me?” 

What will you do next?

I’m trying to erase all of this feeling. I’m not sure that this feeling will fade away soon, but i surely know... my heart will heal itself. I’m wandering around and trying to find the positive side from this story. Still, i’m thinking about God plans. Yapp, maybe God has another person to me and He will send that person in time when i’m really ready with myself. Aamiin  :) Once again, I believe in a quote “ Love will find its way”.

Ending

Gaiss, I’m really sorry if this post was really absurd or Alay -__- As i said before, if you want to write, just write it! They said that writing is languange of heart, if you can’t explain your feeling, just write it! Hahahaha, sumimasenn :) #bow

With love,