Once again, time tricks me.
Another year has passed in the blink of an eye. Is it really just a blink? Or is it just me who feels this way? I know, sometimes I move through my days without even noticing time slipping away. Yet how can it be this fast? Where have I been lately?
With every question I ask, I see where it all leads. I understand how time works, yet I keep questioning it. Moments later, I realize I’m just caught in a constant whirlwind of activities. From crafting breakthrough programs to deciding what to eat, my mind is as busy as a bee. It’s hardly rare for my fully charged energy to drain by midday, leaving me in urgent need of a recharge. I bet others feel this way too. One reason after another, I find myself questioning time.
How was your journey through 2023 and 2024? Seems like there’s a lot to unpack, huh? Well, it might be late, but it’s never too late for a little reflection, right? One thing’s for sure: this post is my long-overdue catch-up and my first in two years. Yeah, finally! So here I am, finally putting thoughts into words.
By far, the last two years became another stretch of learning for me, exhausting, yet comforting. Some moments were a blur, while others turned into beautiful things I ended up admiring. I’ve lost count of how many nights I cried throughout the year. Those tears came in different genres too; one day from stress, another from self-hatred, and many more reasons in between. But alongside the tears, there was also laughter and joy, moments too numerous to count. Laughter from experiencing things I never had before. Joy from getting a reasonable amount of sleep. And countless other simple yet meaningful moments.
It was also the year I became fully aware of familiar emotions surging to their peak. They arose for a reason, along with the question “Why?” with no one to blame but myself. At first, I was in denial because my ego felt threatened. I thought I knew what might happen and that I was prepared. Yet I was wrong. It still felt like being struck by lightning on a cloudless day when I discovered people had lied to and betrayed me. Of course, it still hurt. How could this happen when I had already learned the pattern? I might understand how, but am I resisting learning from it?
All things considered, this was never about the pattern; it was about me from the beginning. I was committed to learning but failed to shift my perspective on uncertainty. I believed I was ready for whatever life threw my way, but I was too naïve to realize that my focus was solely on things beyond my control. Beneath it all, I felt anxious, leading me to catastrophize: “What if everything falls apart?”
Only then did I realize how much my mind dwelled on worst-case scenarios. There were moments when uncertainty felt suffocating, not because I feared what lay ahead, but because I kept fixating on the possibility that everything might go wrong, leaving me unable to cope. Instead of trusting that I had been managing just fine, I became too focused on the outcome and the fear that things might only get worse. I came to see that my perspective needed adjusting.
Summing it up, the year felt like a journey into the unknown. It required not only a readjustment but a deeper reshaping of my understanding of uncertainty. Like any journey, it brought me face-to-face with uncomfortable truths. One of the harshest was this: not everything is meant to be understood. Some things will always remain unknown, just as the future does. And that’s okay. Let it be.
Even so, wrapped inside that truth—that not everything can be understood—were a series of moments and experiences that taught me lessons too. Each one, in its own way, pushed me, unsettled me, and, in time, reshaped how I saw myself and what was unfolding around me. These are the lessons that stayed with me most.
A Lesson I Wasn’t Ready For
Among the many lessons the past two years handed me, one stood out, one I wasn’t ready for. At first, I hated it, not because it was unexpected, but because I felt unfairly placed in a situation. Why did my name come up for this? Why did I feel betrayed, like I wasn’t even considered? It didn’t feel right at all, even though there were many reasons given by those who tried to reassure me, telling me I was fit for it and that no one else could have done better. I just couldn’t understand why it was happening to me.
But as time went on, I began to appreciate the journey, the new experiences it brought, the friends I made, and the fresh perspective it gave me. Now, I see that sometimes, the things that feel unfair often carry seeds of growth, even if I don’t see it right away.
A Lesson in Choosing Myself
For a while, I found myself questioning everything; wondering if I had done something wrong, lacked something essential, or simply wasn’t enough. These thoughts didn’t come out of nowhere; they were shaped by moments that left me feeling overlooked and unsettled, moments that made me more aware of just how much I longed for clarity. In times like those, I’m often the kind of person who needs explanations, who seeks answers, especially when things feel unclear or unfair. So, I spent a lot of energy searching for reasons, trying to make sense of the situation. But the more I looked for answers, the more I began to catastrophize, letting my thoughts spiral and leaving me emotionally drained. And when I couldn’t find the clarity I needed, everything started to blur; my thoughts, my sense of self, even my place in it all.
But over time, something in me shifted. I began to see that maybe it was never about lacking anything at all. Maybe it was about being handed a challenge that wasn’t meant to weaken me, but to reveal something within me, something resilient. Perhaps I wasn’t overlooked, but chosen for something others might not have been able to carry. There are reasons things unfold the way they do, even if I can’t see them right away. And maybe the discomfort I felt wasn’t a reflection of my worth, but a reflection of how deeply I care, how much I’m capable of, and how far I’m willing to grow.
A Lesson in Letting Things Flow
Somewhere around the second quarter of 2024, I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in a while, ease. After everything that had happened, especially the moments where I felt unfairly placed or deeply unsettled, I found myself entering a quieter chapter. One where I stopped trying to control everything and started letting things unfold on their own. I no longer obsessed over outcomes or tried to predict what would come next. I just… flowed. It didn’t mean I stopped caring. I still gave my best, but without the pressure of needing everything to turn out a certain way.
Sometimes, I still get a little nervous, like something bad might crash into me just when things feel too calm. It feels like laughter can only mean tears are coming. Maybe it’s from past experiences, or maybe it’s just how I learned to protect myself. But even with those feelings still hanging around, I started to notice something, I was okay. I just roll with it. Or as we’d say in Bahasa, “yaudah lah ya.” Also, the impact of 2023 doesn’t press on me the way it once did. It feels lighter, more relaxed. And honestly, maybe that’s the real lesson: it’s okay to enjoy the moment without constantly worrying about what’s next.
A Lesson in Expecting Less
By the last quarter of 2024, something in me had shifted. After going through so many moments where high expectations led to unexpected disappointments, I began to let go of the need to control outcomes. I stopped holding onto rigid ideas about what my work should look like or whether it aligned perfectly with my passion. I just did what needed to be done, and surprisingly, it didn’t weigh on me the way it used to.
I also stopped expecting too much from where I was headed, not because I gave up, but because I realized that forcing things only drained my energy and emotions. And funny enough, that’s when something unexpected happened. An opportunity I once really wanted, but had since let go of, suddenly came back around. It had felt out of reach, so I’d stopped thinking about it. But there it was, showing up just as I’d stopped chasing. Maybe that’s what people mean when they say what’s meant for you will find its way to you. And maybe, in learning to expect less, I made space for more than I imagined.
From Here On Out
Looking back on everything I’ve been through, the last couple of years felt like being thrown into a plot twist I didn’t sign up for; full of surprises, lessons, and plenty of darderdor moments. I found myself slipping into old habits: overthinking, catastrophizing, replaying worst-case scenarios like a loop I couldn’t break. I’d already seen this pattern in myself, but that didn’t stop me from hitting repeat. I kept chasing answers, thinking that if I could just understand why something happened, I’d feel better. But I’ve started to learn that some things aren’t meant to be fully understood, at least not right away. Maybe uncertainty doesn’t always mean something’s wrong. I’m still figuring that part out, but these days, I’m trying to hold uncertainty with a little less panic and a bit more trust.
So here’s me stepping into the next chapter, carrying those lessons forward, hoping to stress a little less, and be a little more patient. I’m not expecting every day to be perfect, but I want to meet whatever comes with an open heart, some calm, and maybe a good coffee nearby.
Warm regard,
0 comments:
Post a Comment